Q. What is Takeover?
A. Takeover is the new novel by Richard Goffman, author of Heartless Cruelty and Laid So Low.
Q. You mean, it’s a new book about Mr. Bachman, the heroic English teacher of the Jersey shore created by novelist Richard Goffman?
A. No, it is NOT the highly anticipated third book in the Mr. Bachman series.
Q. Is it the first book in a new series?
A. No. Well, probably not. Goffman’s not positive yet. Let’s just say there are no plans to write another book in the Takeover series. I mean, there is no series.
Q. Are you sure?
Q. Will there EVER be a third book in the Mr. Bachman series?
A. Yes. Definitely.
Q. Great. When is that one coming out? What’s it gonna be called?
A. I don’t know. He doesn’t tell me everything.
Q. Well, then, if Takeover isn’t a murder mystery about an intrepid high school teacher who takes risks, what IS it?
A. Takeover is a hilarious dark satire about what happens when one company takes over another, and human lives are caught in the middle.
Q. You said “hilarious.” So, it’s a comedy?
A. That’s right.
Q. So, how many murders are in it?
A. None! There are NO murders in Takeover.
A. It’s NOT a mystery or a thriller. I just told you, it’s a comedy. Are you even paying attention?
Q. So what happens?
A. Lots of things happen! What kind of stupid question is that?
Q. Gee, you’re getting awfully testy.
A. You’re right. I apologize.
A. Right, ‘what happens?’ Lots of things happen. First this one company buys out the other company. Then some of the people get fired, and then more people get fired…
Q. That happens first? Not at the end?
Q. Doesn’t that take all the excitement out of the book if you know at the beginning what’s going to happen?
A. But it’s HOW it happens, and WHY it happens. That’s the interesting part. It’s all about what happens to people who work together when their lives are torn apart by massive change.
Q. Wow. Sounds violent.
A. Actually, there is some violence in it.
Q. That’s a weird kind of comedy. Does it have sexy scenes, too?
A. Actually, yes.
A. Yes! What reason would I have to lie?
Q. You’re getting testy again.
A. Sorry. I’m just…. Never mind. Sorry.
Q. How is there sex in a workplace comedy?
A. Very quietly.
Q. Huh? Oh I get it. That was pretty funny.
A. Thank you. See where this is going?
Q. Okay, but what else happens?
A. What else? Other than, sex, violence, people losing their jobs, people fighting to survive in the heartless, cynical, glitzy world of entertainment? Isn’t that enough?
Q. Okay, I guess that’s enough.
A. Hahaha! I was kidding. There’s LOTS more! There’s a near-miss airplane disaster, the invention of an entire industry, a flying toupee, people who communicate with pieces of string, pornography, corporate intrigue, um—
Q. Did you say “pornography”? So Takeover is a pornographic novel? I always knew that Goffman was—-
A. NO! Nonono. The BOOK isn’t pornographic. Stop trying to put words in my mouth. There are just some scenes, well, sort of, ABOUT pornography, not pornography itself.
Q. And what’s this about string?
A. Okay. You know what? These aren’t frequently asked questions. For everything else, you’re just going to have to read the book.
Q. Will there be porn in the movie of the book?
A. No! I mean… How do I know? There could be. But… No! And there’s no movie deal yet anyway.
Q. Are you sure? That’s not what I heard.
A. What have you heard?
Q. Sorry. Can’t tell. Lips are sealed.
A. Fine. No more questions for you then.
A. Read the book.
Q. Which book?
A. Takeover, that’s what we’ve been talking about! You know what? Just skip it.
Q. Can I just—
A. No. I’m done.